recent entries
  • Happiness or Unhappiness?
  • Where's the old Herman?
  • your mom
  • Goodbye
  • I'm tired, so please do something.


    • archives
  • March 2009



    • my silly boy
    the silly things he does makes me smile

    the silly things he does makes me chuckle

    the silly things he does makes my heart pound

    the silly things he does makes my stomach wiggle

    the silly things he does makes my life sweet

    the silly things he does makes my life wacky

    I SIMPLY LOVE MY SILLY BOY :)
    Wednesday, March 11, 2009
    Happiness or Unhappiness? 10:41 PM

    Tomorrow will be my 20th birthday. I hope it would be a happy one. Kinda hope I'll have a little surprise on my birthday. I never had any surprises, especially not on my birthday. Will this year be different? I just hope I won't feel too lonely on this day. 

    I'll be going to school tomorrow for a marketing event to be the usher. Will you come pick me up at school? Or will I have to pray and hope that you can meet me since you'll have to go down to the office. I hate waiting. But why do I always have to wait? Can tomorrow be different? Will my friends remember? If only they could just wish me, I'd feel so happy. I don't need any presents or gifts. I just hope there are people who remember and send me their blessings and best wishes. Haven't been very happy recently, I just hope I'll be happy tomorrow. 

    But, yesterday I felt a little happiness in me. I met up with you for dinner and we had a little fun. It felt great. I haven't felt that way for a long time. And I miss you. But still, will things just remain that way? Or will we have to split up someday because our families just can't accept us. I love you. But I need more assurance that things will work out fine. I'm scared. I don't want to end up in a divorce like my mom. I don't want to be in a broken family anymore. I know I seem money minded to you. But that can give me a little assurance. Maybe then we won't have to depend on our families anymore and maybe we can get a place of our own to stay. But you think I like to keep nagging you about these matters. 

    How will things turn out to be? Is there really a future for us?

    Saturday, March 7, 2009
    Where's the old Herman? 9:28 PM

    We've met up, but didn't really managed to resolve any of the problems between us. I guess you're really tired, and I guess you're really stress too. I miss the old Herman who is constantly concern about my feelings and doesn't shout at me if I were to cry or tell you how upset I am. I miss the Herman who would laugh at my jokes and not take it seriously. 

    Like for thursday, we met up and I told you about my feelings after your mom told me those things. You shouted at me. Then when I shed some tears after hearing all your shouts, you still didn't stop saying hurtful things. Where's the Herman who would hug me close to his heart when I cry?

    Then yesterday was my school's dinner and dance. I'm happy that you came. But when the soup was served, you didn't help me get a bowl, it's alright since Han got me one instead. I turned to your direction and look and you got Troy a bowl instead. So I joked about you rather serving Troy then me and everyone laughed. But you? You got all angry and started cursing and swearing. Then after I made that joke and was still laughing, Han placed my soup back in the center and wanted to give you a chance to serve me. Instead, you sat there and don't even bother to help. So I took it myself and got really upset because you can't be bothered to be a nice boyfriend during the dinner. You threatened me to leave the dinner. Again, you want to abandon me. Actually, right when you threatened me, I wanted to leave. 

    I really don't know what is going through your mind. I miss the boyfriend whom I fell in love with. I love you I love you I love you. Stop hurting me. I know you're stress. But I need you.

    I guess you wouldn't be celebrating my birthday this year since you didn't even plan to take the day off before hand. Another lonely birthday. Another depressing birthday. I hate birthdays.

    your mom 8:53 PM

    Maybe I was wrong about you lying the other day. But still, things aren't any better. That wednesday when you were supposed to come over, which you didn't since somethings happened, I waited till 6pm and I got really worried. And without any of your friends/colleges/brother's contact number, I decided to call your home to check if you were safe or if your family know where your whereabouts. But instead, I got told off by your mom.

    She told me to stop contacting you, saying that I had been giving you a lot of problems and that since I wasn't even your fiancee or your wife, I shouldn't even be meeting you. Even when I told her that you promised to meet me today and that I'm just worried because you haven't turn up and I've waited for the past 6 hours, she just kept saying that I had given you a lot if trouble and that you're a busy guy and she knows you too well. She even said I should go find someone else and that since I wouldn't convert to be a Muslim if I marry you, she asked me to leave you. She said so much things which hurt me that I didn't know how else to tell her because she's your mom and I've got to respect her that I just started tearing over the phone. And even after she said so much, I still asked her one last time for your whereabouts and again, I just got a reply to stop contacting you.

    I'm not trying to put you in a situation. Neither am I trying to spoil your relationship with your mom. But, have you thought of how it feels? At that point of time, I was not only worrying about your safety but also feeling so heart broken of what your mom has said to me. I wasn't the one who asked you to be my boyfriend. I didn't create any problems for you. Maybe I may not be a girlfriend who doesn't require any of your attention but that doesn't mean I've given you a lot of trouble right? I know that you tell me not to be affected by what your mom has said. But I wasn't prepared to face it since you told me that your family accepts me and wouldn't force me to convert. I want a happy family in the future. I don't want to have constant quarrels over religion issues. I love you. But do you understand how much it hurt me as well as my mom knowing how much your mom doesn't respect me since she said such things to me?

    Yes, I know that my family wouldn't accept you because of your religion. But none of them had said such things to you. And even though sometimes I tell you what they say, did you know there were many more things which I just kept it in my heart and not tell you after knowing that you've to constantly think of many other things such as your job. Do you understand how much stress my family has given me but yet I choose to keep it to myself? You don't. So don't tell me not to be affected by what your mom has said to me. I respect her. That's why even when she said such things to me, I didn't yell at her.

    I really hope you can talk to her about it then give me an explanation. A marriage is not just about a commitment of 2 people who are in love with each other. But where 2 families combine and become 1. 

    Wednesday, March 4, 2009
    Goodbye 3:52 PM

    You lied again. Last night when you finally called, you told me that you'd come over at 10am. In the end? When I called you at 10am, you didn't answer. Instead, you sms me telling me that you just woke up. Still, I happily await for your coming. I went to take my shower, sit down and watched a dvd. 

    Yet, the movie ended, and you still did not arrive. The time then was 12.08pm and again, I sms you. You replied, telling me that you were just about to leave home because you went to the doctor to get some medication. 

    Another hour has passed, and you haven't arrive. I called again, but no one answered. I received another sms from you saying that you're on your way. That was the last sms i received from you. It's now 4pm. I've called you countless of times, no answer, no sms. Are you even going to meet me?

    Am I just a girl whom you can treat me this way? I'm hungry. And I thought we were going to have lunch together. So I told myself to just wait for your coming. I guess I was just being stupid. You really make me hate you. I thought I could finally get to tell you about all my heartaches. But you ruin everything. Maybe it's really time for me to let go of this relationship. Like I said in the last post, I'm really tired. 

    Goodbye my love. 

    Monday, March 2, 2009
    I'm tired, so please do something. 9:39 PM

    Recently, I'm getting pretty upset with how our relationship is heading. I used to think that we were going to be a happy couple. I used to think that we would last with happiness. But why do I feel so upset currently? 

    I hope this blog will make things better between the both of us. Maybe it can be somewhere which I can voice out my thoughts and my feelings because you never seem to be interested with how upset I am. Besides, you think that I'm making a fuss out of everything.

    Sometimes, I just wish to sit down, talk and share my feelings with you. At least, you can try to give me an explanation and maybe convince me that my thoughts are wrong. But, even if I try to speak to you nicely about my unhappiness, you'd always get agitated and we'd start quarreling because I'd feel that I was just sharing my thoughts, yet, you don't try to understand and make it worst. 

    I love you. That's why it hurts me so much when you don't seem to bother about my feelings. When I'm depress and don't give you any call, or when I don't text you, you wouldn't try to call me or text me to see if I'm doing well. Sometimes, I was just waiting for you to give me a call. Waiting for you to make the first move. But, no matter how long I wait, how upset I get, how much I cry alone at home, you never give me a call. Am I asking a lot from you? I asked myself, I asked my friends. But none said I was getting overboard. Yet, they too feel that you don't treasure me. I guess they are right, because I feel that way too.

    Sometimes, I wish to talk to you so much that I don't mind waiting for you till late in the night. I look out of my block and all the lights are off. But, when you finally do call, you'd tell me how tired you are and that you want to turn in. Don't I feel tired too? Have you ever spare a thought for me? I guess you haven't. If not, you wouldn't be treating me this way for the past 2 years. 

    Sometimes, I want to meet you so badly, hoping that you'd tell me that you wish to see me too, that you're free to meet me. Sometimes, I hope you'd just surprise me by coming to my block although I know very well that it'd never happen. I know you have a hectic schedule. But I'd always try to make time for you. Haven't you sensed it? Then why do you always have to wait for me to probe you on the time and day which we will me meeting? I'm tired. Do you know that?

    Recently, I've been very upset for many reasons. Some may be rather small. But others I feel that it's quite an issue to me. 

    First, it's probably the smoking issue. I've always hoped that you'd quit smoking because I'm worried for your health. I guess I'm really in love with you very much deeply. If not, why would I be worrying about your health? 

    Second, you lied to me that you've stopped smoking. I really trusted you wholeheartedly. When any of my friends tried to doubt you, I'd always go all out to defend you. Yet, all of them knew the truth, all of them knew that you were still smoking, except me. It happened not once, not twice, but many times. I'm hurt, really broken. You've shattered my heart, but you promised you'd mend my heart when we started dating after knowing how much hurt I had suffered in the past. I'd rather you tell me the truth, though it'd still hurt, but never as much as how much my heart feels right now. 

    Third, whenever we're out with my friends, you'd always push me away. It makes me feel that you're embarrassed of me, that you don't want to spend time with me, or that you'd rather chat with others than me. But did you know that all my friends know how hardly we spend time with each other and how much I just want to have your attention. Yet, this didn't happen just once. It happened every single time we hang out with my friends, during the chalet, at clubs, etc. I very much hope that it'd turn out fine. But these outings never fails to upset me.

    Forth, why do you have to ask my girlfriends' handphone number? Are you interested in them? Do you want to ask them out without my knowledge? Can't you just respect me a little? I mind when you ask for their numbers. Maybe because I don't really trust you anymore since you've misused all my trust. 

    Fifth, you always forget about me. You'd often make me wait for you and yet you just totally forget about calling me. You'd just forget that I'm waiting for you. And if I get upset, you wouldn't even explain to me. The worst thing is, it didn't happen just once, it happens time and time again. You never make an effort to change. I've put in so much effort in our relationship, and all I ask for is that you'd put some effort in it too because it's really tiring for me to keep working on this relationship but you'd never care. 

    Sometimes I feel that it's time to let go. But I love you so much. I'm confused. I'm really tired. If you treasure me, please do something. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I don't feel that you care about me anymore, neither do I feel that you'd sacrifice anything for our relationship nor will you make me feel that I'm the happiest girl. I'm tired. I'm very very tired. So please, I'm begging you, please carry this effort of holding on to our relationship because right now it's very heavy and I've got no more strength to go on.
    smile
    his smile makes me smile

    his eyes makes me smile

    his scent makes me smile

    the way he talks makes me smile

    the way he laughs makes me smile

    the way he hugs me makes me smile

    the way he kiss me makes me smile

    I WANNA SMILE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE :)